Remembering Mommy

I wrote this 3 years ago in my Multiply blog for my Mom's birthday.  Just wanna post it once again here, because no matter how long she has been gone, I still miss her. I miss her even more, actually. Happy Birthday, Mommy!

A few days from now, March 7, to be exact, my dear mom would have celebrated her 53rd birthday. If only she's still alive.

She passed away a few weeks after I graduated from elementary. She was 37. Brain aneurysm. I can still vividly recall everything that happened then, though that was 15 years ago. It's just not easy to forget how a very important person in your life was taken away from you.

She's my best friend. I've always felt secure when I'm with her. When I was a little girl, me and my brother would drag our bed's mattresses from our rooms to our parent's room to sleep there, on the floor especially on weekends. I make sure that I'm on my mom's side of the bed. I can only sleep while her hand is hanging and I am holding on to it.  

I always recall how much she cared for  my dad, my brother and me. It's as if she knows that her time is short. It's always as if she knows that tomorrow, she may be gone.

She was a very doting mom to me. She loves to dress me up. One time, she bought me a bathing suit on my 10th birthday. I was a shy girl. I still am. So for me to wear a bathing suit, me wants to cry! Hahahaha! But what can I do? My mommy was more excited to see her little girl in a bathing suit.

On the day of my elementary graduation, she busied herself in preparing for the "big" day. She got me a nice dress and a pair of shoes, prepared delicious foods to be served in the "reception" and paid the photo and video services to document her only daughter's elementary, READ: elementary graduation.  Can you imagine what she would have done if it was my wedding? Mas bongga pa siguro LOL 
Unfortunately, the person she paid to take pictures and video  never showed up after so we weren't able to get the pics but Yes, we got the video, in a betamax tape ( hellooo, that was year 1993..haha) but i don't even know where it is now!

But this I will never forget... on the day itself, she even gave me bath! Imagine, since i was born, she's the one doing that. And even if  I was already a graduating Grade 6 student then, she still did it for me! That's how she treated us. We're her most prized possessions. 

And now that I am a mother, I can see myself in her. I AM her. Now, I understand why she did what she did especially for me and my brother (despite our protests). Why she's overprotective, always checking if "may pawis ang likod" namin, or why we need to eat breakfast and drink our milk before we can go out to play or why we have to take a nap in the afternoon when the other kids don't or why we can't go out when it's raining when all the kids in the neighborhood are enjoying the rain except me and my bro. But you know one time, she let us go and experience what it feels like to bathe in the rain. Ay naku, hindi na kami umulit! Ang ginaw, pare! Eh hindi nga kami sanay ng kapatid ko kaya ayun nangatog kami pareho hahaha!

I know I will be like her. Always eager to be in every significant event in her daughter's life. It's just sad that she's not around anymore when the most significant thing in my life happened. If only she knows how much I need her presence now. Each time my daughter gets sick, i wish my mom's with me so I wouldn't get so paranoid in everything! She's a nurse so I guess she knows enough to  calm me 'cause I get really paranoid even if it's just a little cough or a slight fever. But can you blame me? Our country is so polluted and you'll never know what disease your child might get even by just inhaling our air, or getting a mosquito bite, right? :) Kaya nga, I do envy young moms who have their very own mothers with them as they enter this new phase in their lives. 

Now, my fervent prayer is that I'd be around as long as my daughter needs me. So that she would never have to experience how hard it is not to have her mom by her side. We'd do things together, share our little secrets, play and learn together and do everything that my mom and me weren't able to do because she had to go. It would have been a lot better if she's still with us. I miss her so much. I know she'd be a doting granny to Charlize if only she's here. 

But hey, guess what? My daughter's birthday month is the same as my mom's, her lola Elsa!  I feel that God wanted to tell me that He sent me Charlize to fill up the empty space that my mommy left in my heart and in my life when she died. 

My dear Mommy, Happy Birthday! I just want you to know how much I miss you. I love you so much, Ma. I've been through a lot since you left. But God has always been with me. He sent me a man who would love and take care of me the way that i know you would want me to be loved and taken care of. He, too, gave me a daughter whose sweet smiles and loud laughter reminds me of my own happy childhood. I know that you are also with me, guiding me and holding my hand whenever I feel alone. Thank you for not wasting any time in showing how much you love us when you were still here. For sitting me on your lap when I was scared on my first day of school and just hugging me and telling me that it will be fine, for again sitting me on your lap when we were riding a ferry boat and i got dizzy because of the waves even if I was taller than you already and i bet i was heavier too, for always being there to attend to every need be it in our home or at school, and for every memory of your love, in which i take comfort each time I feel sad, alone and scared.

I will be a good girl so that when Jesus comes again, we will all be together as one happy family. Just like before.  I love you, ma.